4th Grade “Facts O’ Life!” Part One

..and that’s are how Babies are made Charlie!” she said.

Wow!!! This was News to me! The Mystery of the Universe solved!

I hung up my phone absolutely stunned. My ten-year-old girlfriend had just revealed the “Creation of Life” to me and I was utterly flabbergasted.

As I stood there, in contemplation, I  thought heard an angelic choir singing an aria somewhere in the distance. My nine-year-old knees felt they might buckle as I wanted to drop to my knees and raise my hands in thanks for this divine revelation.

‘No wonder girls are so smart – they know everything” I thought.

But! I still had some questions.

So I had to have a little talk with my Dad – “Pops, The Ruler of the Roost, Old Man Grumpus” just to see if my girlfriend’s story checked out and to see if he could fill in some of the blanks or should I say vague areas.

I knew where my Dad was. At this time of day, he would be lifting weights in the garage.

My Dad was a pilot for United Airlines, and most of the time he’d be on trips, or home when he wasn’t flying. When at home he’d be either gardening, weight lifting, golfing at the Country Club or occasionally fighting with Mom.

 
If he was in a bad mood and had been drinking he could be volatile and downright scary. Most of the time he was just a sullen presence around the ol homestead. I always got the feeling Dad would have been happier if he could just fly or golf 24/7 and not be at home.

Even though my Dad was a grumpy enigma – I still loved him and craved his approval because well – he was “My Dad.”

Sure enough, he was in the garage doing a work out with weights. He was bench pressing oh, about 10,000 pounds and he exhaled forcefully with each exhalation.

It was a sacred moment like dinner time when it was best to tread carefully.
Dad finished his set and was rubbing his hands with a small towel.

Dad: “Charlie.”

Me: “Dad can I ask you a question?

Dad: ” I already told your Mother, the answer is No.”

Me: “No…uh what?”

Dad: “You can’t get that Stingray bike. They’re too expensive. Besides the bike you have is perfectly fine.”

Me: “Oh.” I said with disappointment – I was kind of hoping Mom would talk him into letting me get a “Stingray” bike as all the Cool kids were riding them. “Uh, Dad that isn’t my question.”

Dad: “What is your question, Charlie?”

Me: “I wanna know how babies are made? I was talking to my girlfriend Becky and…”

Dad: “You have a girlfriend?”

Me: “Uh-huh. And she said babies were made “When A Man Lies With a Woman” in Bed”!”

Dad: Chuckling. “A ten year old having a girlfriend? Heh, heh, heh…Cheesus Christ.”

Me: “Well, I do! Anyway is that true?”

Dad: “Yes, when a “Man Lies with a Woman,” he plants his seed inside her…and that’s how babies are made.”

Me:  ????!!! Stunned. Seed?!!! I thought seeds were used to grow flowers. I immediately began to think the Old Man was pulling my leg or that this was “Farm Talk” since my Dad had grown up on a dairy farm. Seed!…Good Grief! Now I was really confused.

Dad: “Ok. If that’s it, go ask your Mother any more questions. I’m busy right now.”

Me: ” But…sigh… Ok, Dad.”

Dad went back to his bench pressing and I left a confused mess. SEED?! What the Heck?!

Now life experience had taught me so far that when I didn’t get the answer or the answer I wanted – the basic strategy would be – just go ask the “Other Parent.” In other words, if I wanted something (and I usually WANTED SOMETHING) I’d ask Mom – if She said No, I’d go ask Dad and vice a versa.

This seemed to work like a charm most of the time, and I usually got what I wanted – you see – I could be very persistent – I was a “Professional Nagger.”

So I went in search of Mom which was easy enough. She was folding laundry on my parent’s massive bed.

Me: “Hi Mom!”

Mom: “Charlie Darling.”

Me: “Can I ask you a question?”

Mom: “Of course, what is it dear?”

Me: “How are babies made?”

Mom: “Oh!”

Me: “My girlfriend, Becky says it’s when a “Man Lies With a Woman” babies are made. Is that true?”

Mom: “Oh! Charlie that is something you should ask your Father about.”

Me: “I did! But he started talking about “Seed” stuff…and I am kinda confused. I don’t know what he’s talking about.”

Mom: “Well I’d better talk to your Father about that…but Becky is right…when a “Man Lies with a Woman” babies come into the world.”

Me: “But what’s this Seed Stuff…Dad was talking about?”

Mom: “Never mind about that! That’s a little too a graphic…uh technical for you to understand. Remember, your Father grew up on a farm…and he has his own way of explaining things.”

Me: “Ok. I have another question.” 

Mom: “Yes, Charlie?”

Me: “Well, Star (the house dog) sleeps with me, lies in bed with me every night, and she is a girl dog…does that mean she’s gonna have my puppies?”

Mom: Horrified. “What? No! No! Young Boys cannot make puppies with their dog!”

Me: Somewhat relieved. The vision of puppies with my head on them was too frightening to contemplate. “Ok, Whew! Thanks, Mom.”

Mom: “Now, where is your Father? I want to speak to him.”

Realizing I may have started “Something” I muttered “He’s in the garage” and beat a hasty retreat.

Ok at this point I figured I had gotten as much information out of my parents about “making babies” so being an inquisitive youngster I turned to my next resource – “The Playground” at elementary school.

I started to ask some of the older kids during recess at Louise Vander Meer Elementary the next day and I have to say it was pretty much a mixed bag of responses.

Most of the kids didn’t know, some still believed in “The Stork” or “Cabbage Patch” stuff, then were the small percentage of absolutely horrifying theories told by older kids that were too physically crude to even contemplate, real bathroom humor kind of junk involving body parts I had never even heard of before. Yuck!

Now because Google and the Internet would not come to fruition till decades later I was at standstill in my investigation.

And I have to say I’m kind of glad there was no Google back then. God knows what kind of dumb trouble I would have gotten in too – just by being curious and having access to unlimited information.

Fortunately, there was no Internet back in the 1960s and I was able to retain some of my innocence, my naivete and just be an ignorant kid.

And yeah, when I look back at my life as a child I kinda feel lucky in those regards. “Kids need to be Kids.” And I often wonder why everyone is in such rush to get to adulthood, that they just blow through adolescence as fast as possible. Old age comes soon enough to all of us.

Well, that was that, and it looked like that I was at the end of my quest to solve the final mystery.

My parent’s answers were too vague, the kids at school we’re either ridiculously ignorant or just plain gross about the subject, and I knew next to nothing.

But Hey?!  I did have one last one resource left, and it came to me in a flash – Eureka! The Public Library.

Heck yeah, I was sure to find my answers there. Now why didn’t I think of that before?!

End of Part One

To be continued…