Lookin’ on the Brite Side
Dear Matt,
This is your Big Brother “Chick” dropping ya a line from College up in Norcal. I’m writin’ to let you know how things are going on at school.
I finally got settled in at Bradley Hall. Bradley is a Co-ed dorm which means there’s both Guys and Gals allowed to sleep in the same building – just in case you couldn’t figure that out.
The Dorm is a beige cinder block building with this crappy lime green paint job inside. There’s a few tired pine trees around the building that are kinda sad lookin’ too.
Anyways, no sooner had I hung my clothes in the closet and stashed my luggage when a couple a girls knock on my door. One’s a cute Mexican brunette named Anita and the other was a gal with a mustache named Oona who looked like she was Samoan or somethin’.
Now get this – they asked me if they could look at my clothes?!” Well sure” I says ‘go on ahead.” There weren’t nothin’ but a couple of pairs of cords, a pair of shorts, a turtleneck sweater, a pair of sneakers and a puffer jacket in there.
The girls went into the closet and pawed at my stuff for a few moments making these “ooh” and “ahh” noises. Then they thanked me and split. Weird, huh?
Later a fat runty guy with bad b.o. and garlicky breath comes into my room. He says he was my new roommate and even though his name was “Larry,” he wanted me to call him “Cool Breeze.”
“Cool Breeze” – that was a good one. More like “Stinkin’ Wind.” I think some small animal musta crawled up his butt and died. Cause he farted a lot – makin’ the room smell like the cheese shop at the Mall.
The bright side to the situation was I only had to share with one guy. Some dorm rooms have four men to one room. Which would have driven me apeshit.
The food ain’t bad – and “Big News Flash Matt!” – They don’t serve any of that freakin ‘Hamburger Helper” Ma keeps on feeding us back home.
Sorry I know you’re still living with Ma but I got a tell you – I just couldn’t eat more of that Helper stuff. It wouldn’t be so bad if Ma served a different ” Helper” but it’s always “Helper Stroganoff” over and over again. At least Ma could break it up with “Tuna Helper” for chrissakes! But noooooo.
My first night we got served ” Salisbury” Steak and mashed potatoes with peas. I got really excited when I heard we was gettin’ “steak.” But when I got in line this pimply server wearing a shower cap slaps this hamburger patty with gravy on my plate.
“Where’s my steak?” I says thinkin’ they run out. “I just gave it to you,” he says. Now, who was this clown kidding? I know a frickin’ hamburger patty when I sees one. Just because you put gravy on it don’t make it no steak!
I tol’ him so. And he just picked at his teeth and walked away from me. So I was left with a hamburger and no steak. I grabbed extra mashed potatoes and peas from the next server just to get even with the sonovabitch.
So see, your Big Brother is still getting hamburger – minus the “Helper” up here in College. So don’t feel bad when Ma cooks you more “Helper.” Ha! Ha!
Later after I had fallen asleep in bed. I was abruptly awakened by that little Mexican gal who musta snuck into my room after midnight.
As she slid under my bed covers she says for me not to say nothin’. Next thing I know it’s “Uh! Uh! Oh Baby! Oh Baby! Time!”
Damn I felt so good after she boogied back to her room – I felt like throwin open the window, poundin’ on my chest and treating the world to my famous Johnny Weismuller’s “Tarzan” holler.
Of course, it got me thinkin’ – was it me or those dang clothes that got Anita interested? Cause if it was the clothes – I was gonna put them on a rack outside my door faster you could say Yee Haw!
The bummer was I got zero sleep Matt.
I weren’t complaining though. The bright side was it had been a longgg time since I got any Uh! Uh! Uh! …If ya know what I mean?
End of Part One.
To be continued…
About this Story
I wrote this short tale after I read Ring Lardner’s book “You Know Me Al” which is collection of letters from a not very bright Baseball player to his friend Al. So yeah, I guess you could say I was kinda inspired. I highly recommend his book as it is absolutely hilarious.
