Santa Pantsed!! A 1963 School Play Disaster
I wanted to give you all a little bit of Holiday Cheer. So here is a Christmas Story Excerpt from a previous tale – “A Strange Turn of Events – My Adventures in Community Theatre.”Published in May 18, 2020.
Since publication – I have added more content and done some major editing to flesh out what was an essentially three-paragraph snippet. So consider it a Holiday Bonus, a Flash Fiction story for December.
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As I was sweating backstage waiting for my scene in Tartuffe to begin, I suddenly flashed back to when I was eight years old and had been cast as “The Christmas Mouse” in Louise Van Meter’s 1963 “The Night Before Christmas” Christmas Play.
My mother, when she had been acting like a Mom, had made me this elaborate mouse costume. I had a mouse mask complete with ears and a large snout with whiskers. Sleeper-like jumpers with a tail completed the costume.
Anyway, Santa, played by Ted E. Behr, (he was the fattest kid in my class), was running late. Our little pageant was supposed to start promptly at seven pm but no Santa.
At some point, my hysterical Teacher, Mrs. Sorensen, and her assistant (a girl my age!) began tearing my clothes off backstage and began stuffing me into my costume.
Which I have to admit was kinda thrilling to me even at that young age.
Since the start of the show was running late, and with our Santa MIA, I was told to stall for time with some “improvised capers” on stage.
“What the heck are capers?” I asked.
“GET OUT THERE!” shrieked Mrs. Sorensen and her assistant in unison.
Denied an explanation, I was immediately CATAPULTED onto the stage. As I sailed through the curtains I lost my footing causing me to bounce on my ass in front of the astonished PTA.
Like I mentioned before, not knowing what improvised capers were I waved at the audience and began to skip back and forth across the stage. Waving and skipping, waving and skipping.
Okay, my improvisational skills were limited back then – but you have to remember I was only eight years old! I probably did some other “Mouse” stuff for laughs (including one inspired bit of me lifting my leg like a dog on one of the set pieces).
What almost ruined my Tony award impromptu performance was a smart-aleck kid, seated in the front, who kept hollering for me to honk my nose a buncha of times. But, I just ignored the little theatre critic and carried on with my inspired performance
Anyhoo, the audience loved it and they laughed and applauded at my adolescent antics. Finally, Ted E. arrived and the teacher hissed at me to knock off whatever the hell I was doing, as my improvisation had degenerated into a frenzied free for all that is still discussed at parent-teacher conferences to this day.
Like a trained puppy I took that as my cue and went to my rehearsed position on stage and collapsed in a heap.
Whew!!
With the fully assembled cast in position, Mrs. Sorensen, holding a shaking microphone, proceeded to narrate “The Night Before Christmas” while we kiddies acted out our assigned parts.
To be honest, the remainder of the show remains a blur to my memory, except for the moment Tedd E.’s pants drawstring became undone causing his pants to fall to his ankles.
This earned my unfortunate thespian a round and raucous applause.
With “Santa” shockingly pantsed, our little program was immediately halted as Tedd E. had to be rescued by his mother who promptly corrected the ahem…costume malfunction.
After the show, my parents and I were walking back to the old station wagon to go home. On our way back I heard a woman say to her family “The show was fun but THAT MOUSE WAS A REAL HAM!” To which I piped up “Hey I was THE MOUSE!” All the parents cracked up at this and I felt flattered, albeit I had no idea what it meant by being “a Ham” but I figured it had to be somethin’ really good.
*Finis*
Happy Holidays Everyone. Have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!
