They Called Him Assh*le! A Savage Feline Tale about One Mean Cat! Part 3

The Summer was soon upon us and by some miracle I found out I had been accepted to Chico State College for the Fall term. That meant Freedom! I could board at school and be far enough away from Mom’s Daily Drama with her Beaus and  “Asshole’s Reign of Terror.”  School was almost 4 hours away! YeeHaw!!! 

I remember being driven up to School by Matt and Mom. Mom chattered constantly the whole 4 hour drive up while Matt was strangely silent. But his eyes told me a different story. “Charlie, don’t leave me alone with Mom and… Asshole! they pleaded. I felt sorry for the poor sap but at this point it was every man for himself. 

With tears in our eyes I gave them both hugs as I unloaded the car. And then with a few promises to write I went into the Dormitory to check in. I watched them drive off as I looked out my dorm window.

I was Safe! But to be sure I checked my closet and looked under my bed – just to make sure Asshole hadn’t snuck in with me. I wouldn’t have been surprised to see those red eyes and lashing tail under my dorm bed. But, nope no Cat. I had made it! Ha! 

It wasn’t long before I started getting phone calls from Matt. Asking.. Or begging me if he could come up and visit me. Sure I thought. He probably needs a break from Mom and Asshole. So up he came. Once away from home he seemed as if a great weight had been lifted from his shoulders.

He looked fine except for a small dent in his nose. When I asked him what had happened to his nose he grew cagey. “Ah, oh that?. .uh Mom tried to lance a pimple on my nose with a pin.. I guess she got carried away.” He wouldn’t look me in the eye so I suspected he was covering for a recent scrape with Asshole.

He never owned up to it and I never really found out if he was telling the truth. To this day he still has a red dot on his nose. 

He did pass along the latest episode about Asshole and Mom.” Hey Charlie guess what? I think Mom is getting wise to Asshole. 

Mom on to that little Monster?! Of course I was all ears.” Okay What happened now? ” I said. 

Well it seems recently over a bowl of Honey Combe Mom took him to task about calling Asshole Asshole. 

Mom:” Matthew you need to stop calling Hannibal Asshole! 

Matt: With his mouth full of cereal.” But that’s his name.”

 Mom: “No it isn’t.”

Matt: “Yeah it is. He answers to it!”

Mom: “No, it isn’t. Watch I’ll call him and he’ll respond.” 

Asshole happened to be lying by the Kitchen table. 

Mom: “Oh Hannibal? … Hannibal? .. Hannibal?” 

No response. 

Matt: “Hey Asshole!”

Asshole: “Meow!”

Mom: “That can’t be right.” Hannibal? Hannibal? “

Silence.

Mom:  Hani. . Sigh…in a beaten voice… Asshole?”

 Asshole : “Meow!”

Mom: crestfallen. “Allright Matthew I guess his name is Asshole.” 

I had to laugh although I felt sorry for Mom. She had Beaus who turned out to be Assholes and now her Cat turned out to be one as well. 

Matt left after crashing on my dormitory floor for a few days and I have to say he left in good spirits. The visit did him a world of good. I told him he could call if things got too bad. But he never did. So I assumed everything was copacetic on the home front.

School was already in full swing with studies and exams – so I soon forgot about Mom and Asshole. I kind of worried about Matt but before I knew it – school broke for a Christmas Break. Translated it meant going home for two weeks. I was happy to have a break but not happy to go home and face You Know Who?!

CODA! Asshole Finally Goes Rogue! 

I returned home in mid December to find a relatively quiet household. Mom was single again (Thank God. That meant no Drama!) and Asshole was relatively aloof. So we all prepared for a hopefully Merry and Peaceful Christmas.

Then The You-Know-What Hit the Fan.

 
Maybe it was because Mom didn’t serve Asshole his demanded meal of Fancy Feast and had tried to substitute Friskies to economize. Maybe because I had come home. Maybe it was because the little Rotten Bugger hated Christmas. Too much Peace on Earth and Good Will to All Men kind of stuff that just got under his skin.

It all started one early morning a few days before Christmas. Mom was listening to one her mournful relationship breakup songs on our stereo. “50 Ways to Leave Your Lover ” played over and over again in hi fidelity as Matt and I just munched on our breakfast repast. As fate would have it the Super Market had been miraculously out of Honey Combe so we had to eat “Puffed Wheat Cereal.”

Puffed Wheat was almost a tasteless breakfast cereal but with enough sugar on it you could eat it. Besides it wasn’t Honey Combe! Oh Boy! The Holidays were looking up! 

Asshole sauntered into the Kitchen making his “Feed me now!” noises so Mom poured some Friskees in a bowl and plopped it down on the floor. The Cat just glared at the bowl, tail slashing the air furiously and Mom foolishly bent down to coax him to eat.

No amount of encouragement seemed to get Asshole to eat. Whereupon Mom made the unpardonable  error of trying to pick the dish up. Like I mentioned previously Asshole’s meal of choice was Fancy Feast so her serving the “Wrong Food” and then trying to take it away caused Asshole to snap. With a howl he seized Mom’s hand sinking his fangs into the tender area between the thumb and index finger. Mom let a blood curdling shriek and tried to dislodge him by batting at him ineffectively with a dish towel.

Matt and I jumped up from the table sending chairs and Puffed Wheat every where as we started screaming – “ASSHOLE BIT MOM! ASSHOLE BIT MOM!”

Even then Asshole hung on for a a few seconds more before shaking his head and finally releasing her. With a Demonic glare he faced all three of us down with Satanic Red Eyes and Lashing Tail. Just daring one of us to make a false move.

It was a High Noon moment. Who would make the first move? The tension was so thick you could have cut it with a knife. It was Ash vs The Evil Dead! Godzilla vs.The People of Tokyo!  The whole Family was being faced down by Fucking CUJO!!!!

Asshole growled fiercely. Suddenly things weren’t t looking so good for the Home team.

Suddenly a neighboring apartment door slammed shut causing all of us to jump. Asshole took this as a cue to bolt between our legs and dash out of the kitchen area.

He then began racing around the room as we screamed curses and chased him like a mob of Angry Villagers with pitch forks and torches pursuing the Monster Frankenstein.

The chase didn’t last long as Asshole probably realized the jig was finally up as he made a beeline to the balcony screen door – crashing through the screen, up onto the balcony ledge and up over the wall and into the garden below.

The last I saw of him was an orange blur racing through the apartment complex scaring the crap out of pedestrians who jumped out of his path to avoid collision.

And then he was gone.

Mom was visibly shaken. So we patched up her hand as best we could and drove her to the Emergency Room for a tetanus shot.

On the way she sniffed into some kleenex and mumbled over and over “He bit me. I  can’t believe he bit me. He bit me… I can’t believe it.”

The visit was brief at the local ER although there was some minor  confusion because Mom had written on the admissions form Under “Reason for Visit” – ASSHOLE!  So there was definitely some explaining to do.

Once home we cleaned up the mess. The Apartment Manager was pissed at having to repair the torn screen and muttered that the damage was going to be deducted from our Pet Deposit. Well he certainly didn’t get any arguments from us.

Mom continued to take it badly as she lit a candle and put it by the window. She even left out bowls of Fancy Feast in the hopes Asshole could be coaxed back. Asshole didn’t return but we caught a glimpse of a Skunk who came from a neighboring orchard and gobbled up the food.

It soon became apparent that Asshole was history and out of our lives for good.

And just like that the world became a  better place. The sun seemed a little shinier. Birds that hadn’t been seen for years were a lighting on neighorhood trees. Filling the air with paeans of joy. Even Miraculously a few missing pets suddenly returned to the apartment complex to be reunited with their owners. Albeit they were skinnier and dirtier and it looked like they had been hiding out in one of the orchards. But some how they survived and they had come home. 

Even at our young ages Matt and I knew it would have been in bad taste to celebrate Asshole’s departure in front of Mom. So we waited one night for Mom to go visit one of her single friends to celebrate. Matt had a found a beer in the fridge – probably left by one of Mom’s Beaus. And I contributed a Joint a friend from College had given me. My Friend had assured me it was “Good Shit, Man!” And it was! We split the beer and shared the Joint – and – We got totally wasted. But as far as Celebrations go it was probably one of the best!

 
We were free at last!

Epilogue

OK you were probably expecting some clever joke or quip about Assholes to finish my tale. Like  The Moral of the Story Kids is “Everybody has an Asshole in Life.” The End! Ha! Ha! 

Well forget it. I’m not gonna. OK. Maybe I just did? Oh, dear. 

Anyway… 

Mom never adopted another cat as she was heart broken over Asshole. But years later I gave her a sweet tempered Siamese that never bit her or caused any grief. She called the cat Jin which I think means gold in Chinese. And he certainly lived up to that name. He lived to ripe old age of 16 years old and was sorely missed by the Family when he passed. 

End of Part 3

Finis

About This Story

As I mentioned in the beginning of my Fractured Fable I Love Cats even though they can be a tempermental breed of animal. Some Cats are Good, some are Bad and some well…Some are just plain “Assholes.” And although we had several Cats throughout our lives, this was one Cat my Brother and I detested. Yes, Asshole really did exist. And Yes, he really did make our lives kind of miserable. Year’s later because “Asshole” had such a unique name, I thought I’d write a story about him just to entertain my friends. There reaction was so positive that is why you’re seeing it here today.

In conclusion, I just want to add – May All Your Pets be as Loving as Jin was. He was one Kool Cat and that is why I am dedicating this story to his memory.