Ain’t Got No Check or TP!

Dear Mistur Klaus, 

How have you been?

Things have been pretty rough down here in Elf Town since you furloughed us from the Toy Factory.

The frickin’ Dwarves have been gettin’ drunk and loud as you-know-what here every single night. 

Gnomes have been rioting up a storm since they ain’t gotten their “Stimulatin’ Checks” you promised us all last month. 

Can’t say I blame ’em – with no dough to buy pipeweed you end up with one pissed off, mean as doo doo Gnomes!

The sonovabitchin’ Trolls bought all the damn toilet paper from all the shops. So there ain’t no TP anywheres. They’s all sold out. 

So me and the Missus have been reduced to wiping our bums with leaves. I got me a helluva rash from all that leaf wipin’. 

Anyways, I was writin’ just to see when we’d be receivin’ that “Stimulatin’ Check” you told us we’d be gettin’? 

Sincerely, 

“Bob” Treewanker

P. S. Please stop doin’ those durn “Virus Updates” on TV.  The poor Missus has to take a Xanax and have a lie down each time she watches one. Thank ye.

***

About this Story

During the beginning of the Covid 19 pandemic, I decided to write a fictional short story about an unemployed Christmas elf named “Bob” Treewanker.

Inspired by a writing prompt for a writers and born out of boredom – I decided to dive headfirst and write a tale that was pure fantasy. Which would be a first for me.

I didn’t want to write a straightforward story about elves, but rather a parody or spoof of the fantasy genre.

That is why I decided to create a character who was a Hillbilly and an elf. This gave me the freedom to play in a world I’d like to call Rustic Fantasy. I don’t think this genre is unique to me but my approach and characters are…well, different to what’s out there.

Little did I know that my first “Bob” story would multiply into forty-five little tales about this humorous character – who talked a lot like Huckleberry Finn in my head.

“Bob” became my personal court jester, a fool who would entertain the kingdom of my mind during these stressful times.

Often his stories would start as letters to his former employer, Santa – hence the opening line of “Dear Mistur Klause.” But over time I eventually dropped this letter format and just let “Bob” tell his stories.

Perhaps a short story book about “Bob” stories might be in the offing, but we’ll have to see.

Anyway, I hope you enjoy them.