“Camp Shady Pines” Summer Camp from Hell!! Part 1

 I hate Summer Camp.

I think Summer Camps were devised by envious Adults – who wanted to screw up perfectly good Summer vacation for kids.

The kid has too much free time – so let’s get him out of the house – seemed to be the Parental maxim. 

To which I would reply “Why?” Was it so awful for a child to kill a couple of months watching TV, playing with one’s friends, and just doing nothing?

I guess the answer was… “Yes” – Because for several Summers I was packed off to “Camp.” And I gotta tell ya every time I went –  I would leave a fat happy kid only to return as an emaciated head case who was desperate for Summer to be over. 

I can think of several Camps that ruined my Summer vacations as a child but, I guess the absolute worst was “Camp Shady Pines.”

Nestled in an isolated forest in Northern California’s Gold Rush Territory – Camp Shady Pines to my memory resembled the set of “Hogan’s Heroes” on TV – minus the barbed wire and ever affable Sergeant Schultz. The only thing missing from this “Camp” was a large sign that announced “All Ye Who Enter Here – Abandon Hope!” 

The Camp had been originally founded as a mining camp but after the gold had vanished and the miners had disappeared all that remained was a ghostly collection of empty buildings. 

That changed of course when slick businessman, Simon Swindells,  bought the camp for a song and converted it into a Summer Camp for kids.

“Slimeon,” as known to his fellow sales brethren, had made a killing selling “shoe lifts” out of tawdry men’s magazines to neurotic men who feared their stature might be viewed as diminutive to the opposite sex. 

“Never be called “Shortie” Again!” ran the ads. The height-challenged male public fell for it hook line and sinker creating a small fortune for Mr. Swindells.

After good Ol’ Slimeon had purchased the abandoned mining camp, he made a few minor economical improvements to the grounds. Once that was done he then ran these glorious advertisements out of children’s magazines to attract unsuspecting parents and their kids.

Based on the ads you would have thought Camp Shady Pines was a magical Shangri-La for kids. But it was far from it much to the dismay of arriving children.

This became apparent when you compared the ad and brochure photographs to visiting the actual site. 

Some glaring discrepancies are too numerous to recount but I do remember some of them. For one, there were no horses to ride – just a bad-tempered mule named “Pedro.” 

There was no lake to swim in rather there was a pond that looked like it was riddled with typhoid. The “comfy cabins” for the kids were drafty barracks that were either insanely hot during the day or intensely cold at night. 

The “wholesome meals” with snacks translated into mostly parsimonious plates of franks and beans with necrotic looking yellow jello and little out of date boxes of raisins.

Anyway, somehow, my Old Man got wind of the Camp from one of his golfing buddies – and after a short conference with Mom – decided that a little fresh air, exercise and nature might be just the ticket their little hombre. 

And so without further ado, I was enrolled for a one week 1963 Summer Session at Camp Shady Pines.

End of Part 1

To be continued…