“King of Pain!”

It all started with a pain in the ass.

I had turned thirty years old and abruptly my body began to experience troubling aging sensations.

Twenty-year-old friends started teasing me about my arrival to “Middle Age” – to which I responded with my middle finger.

“I ain’t that old,” I grumbled. Yet my body begged to differ.

And the loudest complainer of the body assembly seemed to be from the part I sat on the most. 

I couldn’t sit for long periods and I began to duck waddle when perambulating. Usage of ‘Preparation H” became so alarming I considered buying stock in the Company.

Health Store experts were consulted. I was told I needed to eat less refined foods and take an herbal supplement that was high in fiber.

While a proscribed fiber supplement had a laxative effect, it didn’t help much with the pain. So, I eventually stopped quaffing what amounted to be liquid birdseed.

I was in constant pain, getting very little sleep and generally miserable to be around. 

Finally, my spouse offered – “You need to see a Specialist, Charles – we’ll find a way to pay for the visit “

—

It was a typical cold and miserable morning in the City when I drove my Escort over the Bay Bridge to a scheduled appointment with the “Specialist.”

I was greeted by a cadaverous, taciturn looking man who wore thick-lensed glasses – who identified himself as “The Doctor.” 

I was quickly ushered into a spartan examining room and told to kneel on a contraption that resembled a church pew.

I clambered on and assumed the position of “praying.” Whereupon the Doctor pressed a button on the floor with his foot causing the rig to levitate.

BBBBBBRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR- the machined rattled ominously as I began my levitation.

While my posterior ascended towards the heavens – like a cluster of party balloons – my head and torso rotated towards the earth. 

When I came to a mid-air stop – I found myself in a very unnatural and vulnerable position.

A short uncomfortable examination later, I was informed that I had “Hemorrhoids” and if I was agreeable – they could be treated in this office visit.

Of course, I was literally not in any position to argue.

The Doctor produced a foot-long evil-looking hypo and made a few injections into the offending lesions.

The stinging sensations caused me to yelp a few times – and then blessedly I was returned to earth after what felt like an “Alien Abduction.”

Driving quickly back over the Bay Bridge I began to notice a curious sensation in my bottom.

For those of you who have had one’s mouth pucker from lemon juice – you will get the idea of what I was feeling down there. Now, multiply that feeling tenfold!

Because of the injections, the “roids” were shrinking at rather a frightening rate making me feel that any moment I might be turned inside out.

At home, after an ice pack application and a few doses of Advil – I began feeling almost human again.

Years later, after that harrowing ordeal – did my Diet change?

Nope.

Fortunately for me, Amazon now offers “Preparation H” in two-pack bundles at a very low-cost subscription rate.