Lookin’ on the Brite Side Part 2

By mid day, I was so zonkedI I could barely keep my eyes open during biology class. The teacher kept blabbering on and on about genetics. I couldn’t follow along as it all sounded like red sox plus white sox equals pink sox stuff to me.

So I get outa class and run into my old Amigo from Farmstead High, Jack Lackey – remember him from school? Anyways Jack tells me that I should join him for wrestling practice later that day. 

I says to Jack “Brother, I don’t know nothin’ about school wrestlin’.” He says “Chickie, the team is short some Guys – why don’t you give it a try?” “Ok,” I says “for you Jack  – I’ll give it a go.”

Later I meet the Coach and he gives me these funny tights, a jocksrap and a plastic mouth guard..

He then had me go up against this big Texas dude who was pretty mean lookin.’ I swear Matt, he looked just like – Andre the freakin’ Giant from Big Time Wrestling in television.

The Coach says “Begin,” and “Andre” chases me around the mat a whole buncha times.

“Stop!” says the Coach. He then says to me “What the Hell are you doin’ out there Bickman?” I says “I’m just trying to wear him out, Coach before I work some strategy on him.” 

The Coach gives me this funny look, then tells me to sit down and watch the other guys wrastle for the rest of the practice.

So that’s what I do. And for the next couple of practices, I sits on the sidelines and watched these other guys tryin’ turn each other into human pretzels.

Meanwhile that darn Mexican gal, Anita, kept sneakin’ into my room at night and keepin’ me awake till morning. Tellin’ me to shut up and wantin’ more Uh! Uh! Uh!

Two weeks later I was a-walkin’ zombie. Between the Anita and gettin’ chased around the mat by those “Hulk Hogans” in tights – I was just gettin’ plain worn out.

Finally, I end up tellin’ that Anita that I ain’t interested in foolin’ around anymore. And she leaves my room in a huff. But not before tellin’ me “I wasn’t very good.”  

“Well I never got complaints from any other Gals!” I says. She then gives me the finger and boogies out the door with a good hard slam on her way out.

The next day, the Coach tells me – after he sees me gettin’ chased around the mat again for the umpteenth time –  that he don’t think I was cut out for wrestlin.’

“Fine,” I says and I turned in my wrestling gear.  I was a little bummed.  But lookin’ on the bright side – I was thankful that maybe now I could get some rest from it all.

Anyway, after I got into that bed that night. I was awakened by somebody crawlin’ into bed with me.

“Goddamit I told you Anita. I don’t want to fool around anymore!” I says.

Well, it turns out it wasn’t Anita. 

Turns out it was – “LARRY!”

So I kicked the joker out of my bed and went and slept on one of them dorm couches downstairs.

The next day I had the dorm monitor change my room assignment.

So here I’m writin’ ya from my new room. And I’ll keep you posted on how’s it going in the next couple of weeks. 

Hopefully, I’ll be catchin’ up on some beauty rest.

Your Brother, 

“Chick”

PS. Say “Hello” and give my love to Ma. Tell her I miss her cookin’. Ha! Ha!

PPS. Nothing happened between me and that Larry Weirdo – so don’t get any funny ideas about your big brother!

PPPS.  Really – nothin’ happened!

PPPPS. And Nothin’ means N-O-T-H-I-N!!!

About this Story

I wrote this after I read Ringo Lardner’s book “You Know Me Al” which is collection of letters from a not very bright Baseball player to his friend Al.  So yeah, I was kind of inspired. I highly recommend his book as it is absolutely hilarious.