Teddy! Have Mop Will Travel!!
“Oh, Dear God No!” I thought.
It can’t be – but it was.
Yep, I should’ve checked my calendar alright.
Cause it was Senior Discount Day at Willies, our local market.
Which was the absolute most crazy and dare I say hazardous time where all Seniors in my area descended upon our little gourmet grocery store to receive ten percent off their purchases.
Ya know, I should have known better. I knew that Wednesday was Discount Day at the market, but somehow I spaced over the matter. Common sense dictated I should have stayed at home – but we needed a few essentials and I had unthinkingly volunteered to go to the store.
Don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against folks saving a buck especially if they are on a fixed income – but the shopping scene at Willie’s often resembled a piranha feeding frenzy.
Okay, so I got to Willie’s and parked my Fiat Sport in a spot that was least likely to get dinged by oldsters when exiting the parking lot. And believe me it can be a veritable demolition derby on Discount Day if you ain’t careful.
After that, I walked (cautiously – my ninja jujitsu hands at ready) into the store (aka THE THUNDERDOME), grabbed a hand basket and tried to grab my stuff as quickly as possible before I got taken out by one of my fellow shoppers.
Dodging and weaving like a football linebacker through the store I got most of the items on my shopping list. But just when I thought I was going to make it safely through this ordeal – I made a fatal error of exchanging some bananas for organic ones in the produce section and that’s when I got blindsided.
“OW!! Hey Lady – watch where ya going with that cart,” I huffed as a cart being pushed by an oblivious older woman wearing a bathrobe and pink bunny slippers ran over my left foot in aisle six.
As I limped to the checkout stand, my big toe throbbed in agony. I worried I might be leaving a trail of blood as a nearby service dog began sniffing and licking the floor very close to my feet as I made my way to the cashier.
It was a long line that seemed like to take forever to get through and at some point I happened to glance at a woman who was slowly pushing her cart directly across from me out of a neighboring line.
For some reason she seemed familiar to me. She was an older lady who bore an exasperated expression that seemed to denote that the entire world was eternally
conspiring to make her life as miserable as possible. And maybe it was because ya know for some people – life was one long arduous journey paved with annoying bastards.
Anyway, I knew that look – cause I had seen it a lot back when I was a kid.
It took a moment to link that expression to a very specific person from my childhood but then it all came back to me.
And then I remembered her…
***
It was 1963 and my Old Man had decided to help my Mother with some housekeeping by allowing her to hire some help.
So my Mom hired Teddy.
Where did she come from?
I don’t know.
Where did she go after she quit working for us?
I don’t know either.
But for a while she was part of our household. And I have to say she was the oddest choice for our home.
Our housekeeper, Teddy with her snow white hair was decidedly ancient. She was four feet tall and built like a Tackle from the Los Angeles Rams football team.
She never smiled or laughed.
Ever.
Her complexion was pasty, while her eyes were of indeterminate color. The simian shape of her face seemed to fold inward, giving her mouth a constant puckered look. Thus giving her the appearance of suffering from constant dispepsia.
And I never recall her actually “cleaning” anything. Instead she carried an iron that seemed permanently attached to her left hand which she used as a weapon to kill flies when she wasn’t grumbling or furiously ironing our laundry.
Often she’d take an occasional break to either eat or scream at us kids to turn that “damn TV down!”
Case in point: My brother, Matty and I would be watching the gothic soap opera “Dark Shadows”
(which we were big fans of) on afternoon TV AND JUST when Barnabas (the conscientious vampire) was getting ready to fang some hapless female on the show –
Barnabas: “Oh, Victoria, I haff waited years…Nay, Centhuries! For usth to be reunited again. Let me give you a kissth that will bestow immortality upon thee – so that time will never theparate us again!”
Victoria: (Neck bared, bosom heaving) “Yes! Yes! Take me Barnabas and make me your immortal Bride!”
Barnabas: (Opening his mouth to expose obscenely long canines) “And with this kissth I…”
Teddy: “Turn that damn TV down! How many times do I have to tell you boys?!!
Man, talk about harshing the mood.
***
Teddy was notoriously parsimonious and every so often I’d catch her recycling paper towels by carefully washing them after use, followed by drying them on the kitchen counter. This cycle was repeated until the darn things would eventually fall apart.
I couldn’t believe anyone would do such a thing – so I asked my Mom about it.
She explained to me that Teddy had grown up during the Depression – so it was just her way of saving money on stuff.
But we both thought it was kind of weird.
***
My Mom used to throw cool little parties for our neighbors and her adult friends before her mental decline.
After one of her soirees she left a little plate with three appetizers on it for me.
One was a sausage pastry (yum!), one was cheese (yawn) and one was what I assumed was a jelly tart because that’s what it looked like.
The first two went down the hatch in nanoseconds.
“Ah, now for dessert,” I thought as I took a big bite of the jelly thing.
Instantly my mouth was flooded with what tasted like sediment from a goldfish bowl.
Horrified, I ran to our unlit fireplace and began spitting the disgusting concoction into it.
Teddy, who happened to be on the scene, straightaway asked me what was wrong.
“Oh God,” I wailed. “PFT! I think I have been poisoned! PFT! PFT! PFT!”
Teddy grabbed what remained of the offending treat, took a bite and immediately joined me at the fireplace in what turned out to be an epic spitting contest.
When my Mother heard what had happened she laughed and then told me that we had eaten “caviar.”
“What’s that?” I asked.
‘Fish eggs. And don’t ever spit in the fireplace again!!” She replied.
After that I refused to eat any fish (including fish sticks) for a while and Teddy began to bring her lunches from home.
***
All of these memories of Teddy passed through my mind as the woman pushing her shopping cart left the store.
Then a voice snapped me back present:
“That’ll be forty nine dollars and thirty seven cents, sir. Would you like to use your senior discount today?” said the cashier.
“Fuck you! I’m not that old!!”
“I beg your pardon?”
“Oh, I’d absolutely love one! And thanks for asking,” I said.
